An Agnostic Creed from Tom

Why I am not an Atheist

I don't care for faith. I came to this realization toward the end of High School, during that weird period of time when I was really questioning my beliefs and trying to figure out what it is I believed personally. I went through a bout of self-motivated, self-centered depression as a sophomore, and then an identity overhaul or two the following year, so my religious beliefs were naturally in flux a little.

Of course, "in flux" suggests that they were ever really solid. See, the church I grew up in was a little off the beaten path. My religious education was pretty light; I never learned a lot of the stories that the more devout kids hear, and some of the stories I did hear didn't have the ring of truth. Even as a kid, I thought "man finds special magic breastplate and seeing stones, which allows him to read a holy book written on golden plates" was farfetched. As I grew older, I found out that the official church history didn't exactly jive with the official historical history, and that really didn't sit well with me. So, while I'd play in the handbell choir and whatnot, I don't know how much I ever bought into all of it.

Anyway, by the time my third year of high school comes to a close, I'm not really buying any of it. I still prayed, and I still believed in God, but I quickly realized that I didn't believe in the god of any extant religious tradition. The one thing I felt certain of in those days was that the universe had a distinct sense of humor, and that such a thing wouldn't occur naturally, therefore god.

Yes, my spiritual beliefs were rooted in the comedic principle.

As time wore on, as my god donned and shed traits with the shifting winds, and as I toyed with calling myself a panentheist, I realized that I really didn't have a clear concept of my personal beliefs, except that I didn't like organized religion. This didn't necessarily bother me; I was able to say "I know what I personally believe, and it doesn't fall in line with any one religion. It's a personal thing," but the situation seemed to warrant further attention and self-examination.

I wasn't an atheist. Maybe for a short time, but I couldn't bring myself to really call myself that, and I couldn't figure out why.

Ultimately, sometime during my first year of college (or thereabouts, I can't recall the actual date of epiphany), I realized that my problem wasn't with what I believed, but with belief itself. I realized that I couldn't handle faith, that I really didn't like believing in the unseen, belief without evidence. Once I figured that out, everything else kind of fell into place.
In those early days, I'd wax philosophical and say "I don't like faith, I don't trust it, and it's just as much of a faith statement to say 'there is no god' as it is to say 'there is a god.' So, that's why I'm not an atheist."
And so I decided that I was an agnostic. I might have some beliefs some days, other beliefs other days, but all my spiritual beliefs were based around one very important caveat: I don't know. Any spiritual beliefs I had, one way or another, were predicated on the fact that I didn't have any evidence, and that an influx of evidence could overturn whatever beliefs might be hanging around at any given time.

But, I started hanging out at atheist websites, and reading that argument I presented against atheism, and recognizing the subtle difference between "not believing" and "believing a negative." There are atheists who claim that "there is no god," and I continue to assert that that's a faith statement. And I'm sure that a significant portion of atheists will continue to regard agnosticism as a wussy position.

But as far as "not believing"? I don't really have an answer for that one. Not yet anyway. And maybe that's why I don't feel so bad for siding with the atheists about most everything.

But I'm not an atheist. Maybe it's not because I "don't believe" in god, but that I do believe in my own lack of knowledge. I can be pretty certain about that, anyway. My beliefs about faith haven't changed any; I don't trust it any more now than I did a few paragraphs ago. No, I am an agnostic, and I plan on remaining agnostic until there's sufficient evidence to suggest a better alternative.